Sunday, 24 August 2014

insecurity kills you slowly...... and then all at once.

everybody said that nobody's perfect. I totally agree with it. but still. you want to be perfect. you NEED to be perfect. everybody push you to be perfect, to be something they want.

I'm not perfect. I am full of flaws. I'm ugly. I don't have that victoria's-secret-dreamy body. I don't have thick eyebrows like cara does. I don't have brilliant eyes. I don't have pointed sharp nose. My cheeks don't look like jolie's. I'm fat. I don't have nicki minaj's butt. I don't have katy perry's boobs. I'm just me. I can't even walk properly. I can't dance. I have an unbalanced body. I am clumsy. I'm too loud. I never go to a club. I never kiss a guy. I don't even have a boyfriend. I am just a tiny chunk in this fucking horrible world.

tell me what's the definition of beauty? it's all BULLSHIT. bullshit if you said that I'm pretty no matter what I looked like. BULLSHIT. if it's right, I am not happy to hear that. I am not happy to have body like this. to have so many flaws in me. to have all things that I have today.

thank you and your judgemental asshole, dude. you make me hate myself more and more everyday. xx

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once. [ The Fault in Our Stars, John Green]

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

-

What do you think about friendship between man and woman? What if one of them loved another but he/she doesn't love him/her back?

I asked it to my friend and she answered like this. Here it goes:

Thursday, 17 April 2014

happy (belated) birthday?

giving or being given?
I choose the first one. giving. There's a thing about giving; It makes you happy.

Yesterday was your birthday, and I've prepared your gift since 2 months ago. I made a mixtape of our favourite songs (I thought it was full of your favourite songs). At first I wanna give you chocolate or a book but you were so annoying and I was like "ok I'm not gonna give you anything but the tape" but my friends kept supporting me to give it to you so yeah. I made a set of puzzle ─ the hard one, eh? ─ for you. I was so insecure and I was afraid that you wouldn't like the gift bcs it's nothing compared to everything. But again, my friends kept telling me to send it to you. So on Saturday, I sent the gift for you via jne. sorry I didn't give it straight to you, hehe.
A night before your birthday, I decided to be the one who say birthday to you but I FELL ASLEEP I'm sorry. I felt helpless and failed and somewhat insecure again I wanted to burst into tears:( But finally I made it. I said it to you and we were talking via line that whole day. I checked jne website every minute─I'm not exagerrating─and it said the gift hadn't delivered yet. I was panic and wanted to die omgomg and suddenly you said thank you for the gift blablabla. I was very happy that I laughed on my way to home and can't stop smiling. And you said you like the gift and thanked me again and again. If I was a firework I might burst that time hahaha. You were everyhting for me, and your happiness really matters to me. It made me happier cause I knew that I'm the one who made you happy. Thank you for making me happy. thank you. thank you. thank you. I really thank you.

I miss you too; I think happiness always come along with sadness (missing someone is a mix of sadness and happiness)

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Bukan Siapa Siapa

Aku tahu
Dan kaupun tahu
Dimana kaki ini menjejak
Selalu ada jejak kakimu

Aku tahu
Dan kaupun tahu
Segala yang ada di pikiranku
Selalu sejalan dengan pikiranmu

Kita berdua sama-sama tahu
Sama-sama mengerti
Tapi tahukah kamu?
Mengertikah kamu?

Aku tahu
Tapi kau tak tahu
Kau tak mengerti
Rasanya jadi satu yang tak tahu-menahu
Rasanya jadi bukan siapa-siapa

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Kata orang, cinta ga butuh balasan.
Kata orang, cinta ga harus saling memiliki.
Kata orang, cinta bukan mengharapkan imbalan, tapi bagaimana kita memberi semuanya tanpa pamrih kepada orang yang kita cinta.
Kata aku, definisi cinta tergantung pada kepada siapa kita mencinta.
Cinta kepada Tuhan adalah cinta yang semestinya ada, karena Tuhan; kita tahu bahwa Tuhan mencintai kita dan memberi segala yang terbaik untuk kita.
Cinta kepada mama adalah cinta yang tulus, yang ada sebelum kita mengerti apa arti cinta itu sendiri.
Cinta kepada papa, adalah cinta kepada setiap peluh yang menetes dari kerja keras beliau.
Cinta kepada adik, adalah cinta karena mereka, adalah teman hidup kita yang tidak akan pergi saat yang lainnya pergi.
Cinta buat sahabat? Cinta yang ga butuh setiap hari ketemu untuk menjaga agar cinta itu tetap ada.
Cinta buat kamu... Membiarkan kamu bahagia? I think no, karena sakit ngeliat kamu senang tanpa aku. Aku tau aku bisa bikin kamu lebih bahagia dari ini, dan aku pingin kamu bahagianya sama aku. karena aku.
oh, maaf aku lupa bilang. Cinta itu egois.
dan yang terakhir, cinta untuk kalian. Aku gangerti ini jenis cinta macam apa (dan udah masuk kategori cinta apa bukan). Tapi yang jelas, definisi dari cinta untuk kalian cuma satu: mengagumi dari jauh. Bukannya aku ga berani untuk kenal lebih dekat sama kalian, tapi ada tembok─yang lebih kuat dari tembok jerman─yang buat aku berhenti untuk sekedar yaaa menyapa kalian. Tembok, yang dibuat oleh kebersamaan, rasa kasih sayang, cinta, dan rasa tak ingin kehilangan yang dibangun bersama yang lain. Bukan bersama aku. Dan aku masih tau diri, tau etika. Aku bukan siapa siapa untuk menghancurkan tembok yang sudah
dibangun dengan sulit, karena aku tau sendiri bagaimana rasanya merasakan tembok itu hancur. Sakit. Aku bukan siapa siapa dibanding dia yang sudah bersamamu selama itu. Seperti yang aku sudah bilang, kata orang, cinta itu tak harus memiliki. Karena nyatanya, banyak orang yang lebih mencintai sesuatu yang bukan miliknya─dalam kasusku dia milik orang lain─ dibanding mencintai dan menghargai apa yang selalu ada, yang selalu mencinta dengan penuh dan tanpa pamrih. Setuju atau tidak, pada ujungnya tetap saja, cinta buat kalian adalah mengagumi dari jauh. Itu saja sudah lebih dari cukup.
oh, satu lagi. Selamat bertambah usia, kalian.